Dark Thoughts

We have an entertainment committee where I work. As far as I can tell, they have meetings all day to discuss the benefits of some event or other, consult with team managers to explain the benefits of said event or any other on both staff moral… a happy staff is a more productive staff … and company productivity. Perhaps I am being too cynical here, after all it does allow us to have the occasional fun so who gives a stuff for the motives?

Anyways… the last week we had an ‘Inter-floor school sports day’. At most school’s sports day there are traditionally 4 houses e.g. St Patricks, St David’s, St Andrews and St Georges, who complete against each other. We had Floor 1. Floor 2, Floor... well you can guess the other team’s names. I am on floor 4 which is predominantly male and as a result usually enter these events rather half heartedly. Floors 3 have mainly young females and always seem to enter into the spirit of these days with enthusiasm. This event was no exception, all of their team donning school uniforms… I sometimes wish I was on that floor… I am not getting all perverted here, just setting the scene… honest!

The events were the sack race, the 3 legged race, the egg and spoon race and the space hopper race… I was chosen to represent my floor in the space hopper race! For the 3 legged race we chose Roe and Jon…. Roe is 6’5” and Jon is 5’ 3”… that race was a sight to see; Roe basically held Jon up and ran while Jon hopped alongside… well I suppose you had to be there.

At the start of my race I was a little nervous but on the ‘GO’ took an early lead. I was first to the tree, went around it and began the straight hop to the finish in the lead. The finishing line was close now and still I was out in front... 4 more hops should see me over the line, I was imagining receiving the accolade of the cheering crowds as I mounted the winners rostrum… 2 more hops when out of nowhere came the guy representing floor 2.. He was all in white and streaked passed me… well hopped quickly... taking the race and the accolade that should have rightfully been mine. I swear he must have had divine help to hop that fast...

(click below to see the winner)

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Oh no! Not another Z-list celebrity releasing a book to boost their profile.

The usual tacky ploy up there with the reality TV shows contestant/glamour model/footballer/footballer's wife at ‘me’ advertising.

Abi titmus, the latest in a long line of 'look at me I’m a celebrity' waste of space types, you know, no talent or done anything of note, is shamelessly cashing in by ‘writing’ a book.
The ‘publications’ by these psuedo celebs are without exception, not even worth using as toilet paper.

The title is The Secret Diaries of Abigail Titmus. Secret? when has anything these 'look at me I’m a celebrity' types ever been a secret? They call reporters to ‘disclose’ whatever their latest escapade is, whether it’s getting drunk, getting out of a car in a short skirt and no knichers and ‘accidently’ flash their shaven fannies when there just ‘happens’ to be a photographer.

The Secret Diaries Of Abigail Titmus, I suppose it's all about whom she's slept with and that kind of thing. So presumably just a really, really, really, long list of men's names. A bit like a prostitutes client list then.

This launch is not long after Jordon, another literary genius, shocked the nation with her revelation that she does not, in fact, write the novels that have made her rather a lot of money. She is quoted as saying: 'I'm not going to lie, I don't sit there with a typewriter and write it, of course I don't. Shocking! She has shattered my illusion that she was a literary genius.

But all is not lost. I have just read that this pointless celebrity, dare I say, one of the most pointless celebrities ever to walk the earth, Abi Titmuss, attracted a grand audience of three for the launch of her book.

Ahhh.. what a shame.

* please not that a couple of months ago I had a few problems trying to get this on, so this book was around that time.

Been at work all week and on 3 of those days I clocked up 12hrs for each, so the weekend would have been a much longed for respite.

Oh! Bugger!

My weekend to work (10 - 9 but usually end up doing 10 - 10) and the weekend is 3 days long (Sat through Mon)... sigh... looking forward to tuesday.

She told me I needed to sit down because she had some disturbing news to tell me. I looked at her, and was unsure on how to react. Was this I’ve bought a pair of expensive shoes’ news or the ‘sorry dear but the cat was run over by a car’ news? I looked at her for a while trying to assess which type it was going to be.

She bit her lip, would not look me directly in the eyes and was wringing her hands. ‘OMG’, I thought, ‘It’s the cat’s dead type of news’. Well, she told me, leaving no details out of her confession.

It was bad! I sat there for what seemed like an age, staring into space, shocked. I did not know what to say or how to react. She finally broke the silence forcing my attention back to her. ‘I know I’ve been bad’, she said, ‘and I should be severely punished’.
‘What?’ I snapped.
‘Punished’, she said, her face colouring with embarrassment.
‘Punished?’ I said incredulously, ‘Punished?’
‘Yes, I deserve to be severely punished! You should spank me until my bum is red raw, spank me so hard that you leave your hand print on it’. She was looking me straight in the eyes now and that was when I saw it, just for a millisecond, a glint in her eyes. It suddenly dawned on me. She wanted to be punished, no, not punished but spanked! But if she wanted to be spanked how could that be a punishment? A thought came into my head like a light been turned on. The darkness was now illuminated.

‘So you want me to make your arse red with my hand prints?’ I said maliciously.
‘Yes’, I could swear she panted the word.
‘Right’, I said ‘Come with me. NOW!’ and dragged her out of the house She feigned reluctance but she could not stop herself from trembling with excitement. I smiled to myself, ‘you want my red handprint on your arse, my handprint on your arse you will get’. I roughly shoved her in the car, drove her to town and then dragged her into a tattoo shop. The result was not quite what she expected.

As an adolescent authority figures always warned of the dangers of masturbating. In religious education we were told it was immoral, thinking about sex was tantamount to the actual deed, (if masturbating was the same as having actual sex it would have saved me a fortune in later life)… sports teachers told of how it sapped your strength and was to be avoided before a sporting event… my mother told me it would drop off if you played with it too much… of course that never stopped… ahem… anybody (not talking about me of course)… well I was wrong. Masturbating is dangerous and can kill! There should be public health warning films on the TV much like the ‘Tell Frank' drugs campaign, could be called the 'Tell jack’ campaign. Because, 500-1000 deaths occur annually in the United States from auto-erotic asphyxiation. If you are not sure what AEA is, Auto-erotic asphyxiation (AEA) is the term used to describe the practice of cutting off the blood supply to the brain through self-applied suffocation methods while masturbating to orgasm.

So guys beware… Wanking kills!

There is a disease that is of such importance, so devastating that it demands our attention. Ok… I know this is relatively ‘old news’ but a comment about this is still, I feel, relevant. It caused Texas to shut down its high school sports and Texas doesn't make stupid decisions. What I am on about… if you have not already guessed, is Swine Flu of course. Now the death toll of this swine flu (Apr 2009) are catastrophic, 20 already sick and elderly Mexicans out of a population of 20 million died from this bacon-flavoured plague, that means you have a 1.0 x 10-6 chance of death from swine flu.

Each day 3,000 children die of malaria.

3,000 children die a day so there must be a global outcry with public pressure to curb these fatalities. Surely drug manufacturers must be pulling out all the stops to find a cure for this? Naw, this is a disease of the developing nations. This is a disease of the poor. It does not affect the well off ‘developed’ nations, and after all, now much profit would the drug companies get for supplying drugs for a disease of the poor?

We spent hours and hours on the keyboard, posting nonsense on our blogs. Ok, Ok, mostly. But don't you think it's all a massive waste of time? Does blogging solve even one little problem facing us?

Bloggers are wasting millions of hours of productivity around the world. Just over two blog postings are made every second of every day - and that's only for the regularly active blogs. There are over 180m people who have started a blog.
With 40% of bloggers claiming to spend 10 hours a week on blogging… you can begin to see that there are billions of hours of time that is now taken up blogging, which would have previously been spent doing something else…

So I ask the question, don’t you think you are wasting your time in blogging?

Well, one answer to that, everyone has their own hobby. Some just happen to have blogging. What you like is not necessary what others like. Some people spend hours a week spotting trains. I think that is a waste of time but then again, some peoples pleasure is other peoples ‘boring as…’ cricket, or shopping, or.. Well, you get the idea. We are all different in some ways or other.
Respect what others do, if we all like doing the same things and are alike, then it’s going to be… boring?
One opinion on the above question is that the power of blogging is great. You get to know many people and their different views. You develop a self confidence in yourself which helps you to expose your own way of thinking to others.

For all those who think that blogging is a waste of time and it sucks, then why are you reading my blog huh??... Oh, you aren’t. QED?