A blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they
don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blond
assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this
store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any." "But, I always
buy it here," says the blond. "Do you have the container that it came
in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant." Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads
out loud from the container .....

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

This is the way to blog!

Crikey! Shoe fetish extreme or what?

I arrive at the office, a modern 3 story building of steel and glass.

1 week and then this office will be locked, the lights off and all trace of people that once worked here thrown in the skip.

A woman in Tokyo dressed as a Victorian doll heading for the Harajuka neighbourhood where dozens of women dressed similarly gather at weekends.  They dress becasue they are worried love and happiness end at adulthood.  Becoming an adult, marrying and staying at home is a frightening prospect, so they cling to childhood and refuse to grow up.

Antlady's remarks about a modern human going back in time
and might take a modern bug with them causing deverstating
effects made me think about this poem.

We met the British in the dead of wnter.
The sky was lavender

and the snow lavender-blue.
I could hear, far below,

the sound of two streams coming together
(both were frozen over)

and, no less strange,
myslef calling out in french

accross that forest-
clearing. Neither General Jeffrey Amherst

nor Colonel Henry Bouquet
could stomach our willow tabacco.

As for the unusual
scent when the Colonel shook out his hand-

kercheif; C'est la lavande,
une fluer mauve comme le ciel.

They gave us six fishhooks
and two blankets embroidered with smallpox.

Paul Muldon.

The poem appears inoccent until the final word.
This makes the entire poem ominous

You start out dead and get that out of the way, and then...

I rest my case.

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddads' farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating.

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'. Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burnt by Little Johnny vulgarities before. In desperation the teacher asked the class again, but the only hand up was little Johnny's. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she asked little Johnny to tell the class a sentence with the word "fascinate" in.

Johnny said, "Please miss. My aunt Gina has a cardigan with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

The teacher sat down and cried.

1 cup of water

1 tsp. baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp. salt

1 cup of brown sugar

1 tbsp. lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle tequila

Sample the tequila in a large glass to check quality.

Take a large bowl, and check the tequila again, to be sure it is of
the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it’s best to make sure the tequila is still OK, so, try another cup.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit and the damn cup off the floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just
pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to

put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.

Having just joined (this is my first blog, scary) I have been attentively reading peoples splendid blogs.  One about time travel as a holiday destination gave me pause for thought.  I vaguely recall a film where a group of visitors stayed in a small town in the US.  They turned out to be the future ‘us’ on a holiday excursion to the past.  The story goes that the future ‘us’ have an idyllic and peaceful life but are essentially bored.  They take holiday excursions to observe past disasters.  Time travel has always been a favourite, In Terminator, the leader sending his friend back in time to protect his mother, fall in love and have a child who is the leader.  I remember yonks ago a children’s program called the Tomorrow People. The concept of time travel was that you could not disturb anything.  If you killed a mosquito, that mosquito might have given malaria to an ancestor that dies as a consequence.  Now he will live and one of his descendants may alter society in some way and thus the future.

 The thought of going back to witness momentous historical events and meet historical heroes is so appealing.  To see the birth of Jesus, witness the burning of Rome, talk to Shakespeare, this list is endless. Would I be able to resist changing things though?  Hitler is the obvious, killing him as a child. Go to 1066 and yell to Harold "DUCK!" at the appropriate time. What about our own ancestors?  Would I resist stopping my great uncle from getting on the Titanic?  With the recent past, would I be able to resist persuading my youthful self from asking Karen S out?  She was intelligent and gorgeous.  When she walked into a pub jaws dropped and guys were forever sending over bottles of Champaign.  We were friends and I was in love with her.  I was so worried about rejection, after all what would a girl like her want with the shy gangly youth in the corner, that I never told her of my feelings, never held her hand or gazed lovingly into her eyes.  So I remained her friend and kept my puppydog feelings to myself.

 At a uni re-union a few years after leaving, I expect you know where this is going, Karen was not there but one of her best friend was.  Conversation got around to absent friends and Karen’s name came up.  She dropped the bombshell that Karen had been waiting for me to ask her out!   

Mm, risk the future for a kiss from Karen?  It’s a no brainer.