Dark Thoughts

We have an entertainment committee where I work. As far as I can tell, they have meetings all day to discuss the benefits of some event or other, consult with team managers to explain the benefits of said event or any other on both staff moral… a happy staff is a more productive staff … and company productivity. Perhaps I am being too cynical here, after all it does allow us to have the occasional fun so who gives a stuff for the motives?

Anyways… the last week we had an ‘Inter-floor school sports day’. At most school’s sports day there are traditionally 4 houses e.g. St Patricks, St David’s, St Andrews and St Georges, who complete against each other. We had Floor 1. Floor 2, Floor... well you can guess the other team’s names. I am on floor 4 which is predominantly male and as a result usually enter these events rather half heartedly. Floors 3 have mainly young females and always seem to enter into the spirit of these days with enthusiasm. This event was no exception, all of their team donning school uniforms… I sometimes wish I was on that floor… I am not getting all perverted here, just setting the scene… honest!

The events were the sack race, the 3 legged race, the egg and spoon race and the space hopper race… I was chosen to represent my floor in the space hopper race! For the 3 legged race we chose Roe and Jon…. Roe is 6’5” and Jon is 5’ 3”… that race was a sight to see; Roe basically held Jon up and ran while Jon hopped alongside… well I suppose you had to be there.

At the start of my race I was a little nervous but on the ‘GO’ took an early lead. I was first to the tree, went around it and began the straight hop to the finish in the lead. The finishing line was close now and still I was out in front... 4 more hops should see me over the line, I was imagining receiving the accolade of the cheering crowds as I mounted the winners rostrum… 2 more hops when out of nowhere came the guy representing floor 2.. He was all in white and streaked passed me… well hopped quickly... taking the race and the accolade that should have rightfully been mine. I swear he must have had divine help to hop that fast...

(click below to see the winner)

http://data5.blog.de/media/241/3633241_4ea35b2487_l.gif

Oh no! Not another Z-list celebrity releasing a book to boost their profile.

The usual tacky ploy up there with the reality TV shows contestant/glamour model/footballer/footballer's wife at ‘me’ advertising.

Abi titmus, the latest in a long line of 'look at me I’m a celebrity' waste of space types, you know, no talent or done anything of note, is shamelessly cashing in by ‘writing’ a book.
The ‘publications’ by these psuedo celebs are without exception, not even worth using as toilet paper.

The title is The Secret Diaries of Abigail Titmus. Secret? when has anything these 'look at me I’m a celebrity' types ever been a secret? They call reporters to ‘disclose’ whatever their latest escapade is, whether it’s getting drunk, getting out of a car in a short skirt and no knichers and ‘accidently’ flash their shaven fannies when there just ‘happens’ to be a photographer.

The Secret Diaries Of Abigail Titmus, I suppose it's all about whom she's slept with and that kind of thing. So presumably just a really, really, really, long list of men's names. A bit like a prostitutes client list then.

This launch is not long after Jordon, another literary genius, shocked the nation with her revelation that she does not, in fact, write the novels that have made her rather a lot of money. She is quoted as saying: 'I'm not going to lie, I don't sit there with a typewriter and write it, of course I don't. Shocking! She has shattered my illusion that she was a literary genius.

But all is not lost. I have just read that this pointless celebrity, dare I say, one of the most pointless celebrities ever to walk the earth, Abi Titmuss, attracted a grand audience of three for the launch of her book.

Ahhh.. what a shame.

* please not that a couple of months ago I had a few problems trying to get this on, so this book was around that time.

Been at work all week and on 3 of those days I clocked up 12hrs for each, so the weekend would have been a much longed for respite.

Oh! Bugger!

My weekend to work (10 - 9 but usually end up doing 10 - 10) and the weekend is 3 days long (Sat through Mon)... sigh... looking forward to tuesday.

She told me I needed to sit down because she had some disturbing news to tell me. I looked at her, and was unsure on how to react. Was this I’ve bought a pair of expensive shoes’ news or the ‘sorry dear but the cat was run over by a car’ news? I looked at her for a while trying to assess which type it was going to be.

She bit her lip, would not look me directly in the eyes and was wringing her hands. ‘OMG’, I thought, ‘It’s the cat’s dead type of news’. Well, she told me, leaving no details out of her confession.

It was bad! I sat there for what seemed like an age, staring into space, shocked. I did not know what to say or how to react. She finally broke the silence forcing my attention back to her. ‘I know I’ve been bad’, she said, ‘and I should be severely punished’.
‘What?’ I snapped.
‘Punished’, she said, her face colouring with embarrassment.
‘Punished?’ I said incredulously, ‘Punished?’
‘Yes, I deserve to be severely punished! You should spank me until my bum is red raw, spank me so hard that you leave your hand print on it’. She was looking me straight in the eyes now and that was when I saw it, just for a millisecond, a glint in her eyes. It suddenly dawned on me. She wanted to be punished, no, not punished but spanked! But if she wanted to be spanked how could that be a punishment? A thought came into my head like a light been turned on. The darkness was now illuminated.

‘So you want me to make your arse red with my hand prints?’ I said maliciously.
‘Yes’, I could swear she panted the word.
‘Right’, I said ‘Come with me. NOW!’ and dragged her out of the house She feigned reluctance but she could not stop herself from trembling with excitement. I smiled to myself, ‘you want my red handprint on your arse, my handprint on your arse you will get’. I roughly shoved her in the car, drove her to town and then dragged her into a tattoo shop. The result was not quite what she expected.

As an adolescent authority figures always warned of the dangers of masturbating. In religious education we were told it was immoral, thinking about sex was tantamount to the actual deed, (if masturbating was the same as having actual sex it would have saved me a fortune in later life)… sports teachers told of how it sapped your strength and was to be avoided before a sporting event… my mother told me it would drop off if you played with it too much… of course that never stopped… ahem… anybody (not talking about me of course)… well I was wrong. Masturbating is dangerous and can kill! There should be public health warning films on the TV much like the ‘Tell Frank' drugs campaign, could be called the 'Tell jack’ campaign. Because, 500-1000 deaths occur annually in the United States from auto-erotic asphyxiation. If you are not sure what AEA is, Auto-erotic asphyxiation (AEA) is the term used to describe the practice of cutting off the blood supply to the brain through self-applied suffocation methods while masturbating to orgasm.

So guys beware… Wanking kills!

There is a disease that is of such importance, so devastating that it demands our attention. Ok… I know this is relatively ‘old news’ but a comment about this is still, I feel, relevant. It caused Texas to shut down its high school sports and Texas doesn't make stupid decisions. What I am on about… if you have not already guessed, is Swine Flu of course. Now the death toll of this swine flu (Apr 2009) are catastrophic, 20 already sick and elderly Mexicans out of a population of 20 million died from this bacon-flavoured plague, that means you have a 1.0 x 10-6 chance of death from swine flu.

Each day 3,000 children die of malaria.

3,000 children die a day so there must be a global outcry with public pressure to curb these fatalities. Surely drug manufacturers must be pulling out all the stops to find a cure for this? Naw, this is a disease of the developing nations. This is a disease of the poor. It does not affect the well off ‘developed’ nations, and after all, now much profit would the drug companies get for supplying drugs for a disease of the poor?

We spent hours and hours on the keyboard, posting nonsense on our blogs. Ok, Ok, mostly. But don't you think it's all a massive waste of time? Does blogging solve even one little problem facing us?

Bloggers are wasting millions of hours of productivity around the world. Just over two blog postings are made every second of every day - and that's only for the regularly active blogs. There are over 180m people who have started a blog.
With 40% of bloggers claiming to spend 10 hours a week on blogging… you can begin to see that there are billions of hours of time that is now taken up blogging, which would have previously been spent doing something else…

So I ask the question, don’t you think you are wasting your time in blogging?

Well, one answer to that, everyone has their own hobby. Some just happen to have blogging. What you like is not necessary what others like. Some people spend hours a week spotting trains. I think that is a waste of time but then again, some peoples pleasure is other peoples ‘boring as…’ cricket, or shopping, or.. Well, you get the idea. We are all different in some ways or other.
Respect what others do, if we all like doing the same things and are alike, then it’s going to be… boring?
One opinion on the above question is that the power of blogging is great. You get to know many people and their different views. You develop a self confidence in yourself which helps you to expose your own way of thinking to others.

For all those who think that blogging is a waste of time and it sucks, then why are you reading my blog huh??... Oh, you aren’t. QED?

I'm looking out my window, and what do I see?
A world full of people, all looking at me.
Most of them have headaches, but it's no place to be
As only a few are happy, so why can't you see
Why I want to be a tree?
Man's not seen the wood for the trees
And now they're all busy planning World War Three.
We are all invited, so why can't you see
Why I want to be a tree?

So, I am already at work when Scot turns up.

Scot: Where is everybody?
Me: Have you ever noticed that no one says hello anymore?
Scot: No seriously, where is everybody?
Me: What happened to common courtesy?
Scot: Sean! Where is everybody?
Me: I’m not answering you until you extend me some courtesy.
Scot: Does extending my foot into your balls count as courtesy?
Me: Two have a day off and the TL and deputy are at a meeting.
Scot: Now, was that so difficult?
Me: You’re welcome.

OK! Over my little ‘paddy’ regarding the birthday… I actually had a really good time. No grand party or celebration, just my family. My daughters came over (with their boyfriends); their present for me was a book of photo’s I did 20 years ago... my journey to the south of France in an old mini. Hair flares and shades!

I did not mention that I have been asking for all my photographs for over 10 years, perhaps my ex knew that my girls would need them for my present.

Dad got me a camera… a Sony DSLR-A100K with a 18-70mm lens, cannot wait to try it out.

OMG I am going to become an older man tomorrow. Is it any wonder why instead of celebrating this momentous event I want to disappear for the day, only to emerge when the fuss has died down and everybody has forgotten my true age… including me.

I am being called nasty names for not wanting to celebrate… err… is it not MY BIRTHDAY and as such have the choice of how I will or will not celebrate?

It appears that birthdays are in reality not for the person whose day it actually is, but a day for everyone else to make a fuss.. Fine.. Don’t need me there then do you!

Selfish is the most common accusation. Is not a birthday a reason to be selfish for one day? ‘To be able to do what @TH@E F@UCK @I WANT?'
Apparently not!

Oook.. Sounding a little bit... er... grumpy and old are two words that come in mind. Sigh... sorry.. an excuse to meet up, chat and drink are fine... suppose, just dont go on.. and on... and on.. about being near death.

Dont you just love how we celebrate EVERY Holiday?  We are all suddenly Irish on  St Patrick's day, put on a million shamrocks wearing 'Kiss Me I'm Irish' T Shirts and drink ourselves silly.

St Davids day, we all dig up a Welch ancestor, nick all the daffodils from the local cemetry, try to pronounce Dewi Sant... and drink copious amounts of beer.

When we start to run out of local saints, we find out an obscure celebration, like the Jorvic Viking Festival... always a good one to fill your helmet up to the brim and.. yep... drink ourselves silly.

Or how about hijacking a well known celebration like shrove tuesday?  Toss me one over love and letsh hab anuffa drinnnk.

There's Mardi Gras... Whoohoo!   Throw me some beads!!...  

And today?**  I will be honest and say I have NO idea why the 5th of May is important. (Does any one know the real answer?).

I think I will ponder that over a small margarita, Cheers! X

**It was the 5th when I wrote this, had problems with illegal letters???

All the news before Christmas was about the Israel attack and the kassam rockets. Has it all been resolved then? The news is very quiet about it all.

Talking about this and the Israel election to my friend elicited this reply;

"..the elections...you're right about that. I really wanted Tsipi in and now that creep Bibi has got there, really unfair but what can you do? everyone's forgotten his past, just heard the news now, in addition to kassams popping over most days and 10 mortars yesterday, there was a katusha rocket over from Lebanon just now in the North, dammage to a building and one person injured from shrapnel...all fun and games here....you can be sure you won't hear about it on the news in UK...after all, the war is over and there are much more important things to talk about like the youngest dad competition, or how many teenagers can we get to claim fatherhood....crazy world we're in ."

Mad sad and bad are the 3 little words I would describe this world.

Just finished another long, long day and 2 more to go before the weekend.

My new job consists of a 12hr day, working shifts. Trouble with that is that I can never remember what day it is. Today is Wednesday, right? Still, I should not complain, at least I have another job. Having said that, I was looking over old pension policies and one dated 1993, my salary was more than my current one. Not a complaint, more a fact. Actually, more a feeling sorry for myself than a fact.

Before I start hell for leather on what has been going on in my non life I will be spending lots of catch up time on you all ("Thank Christ for that", you say, "God we don't have to start reading his blog again do we?").

X

My computer gave up it's last breath a couple of months ago. This corresponded with work taking away private internet access. My cyber world was cut off from me and I from it.

Not being able to afford a new portal into my 'other' world it has taken me this long to obtain another. The quest was a long one, the journey filled with many perils. But I have emerged triumphant and once again can communicate. Hello?

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labour.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5. I work in a damp environment.

6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.

7. I work in high temperatures. 8. My work exposes me to diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your
request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.

9. You are unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace a suspicious-looking sack.

Sincerely, The Management

Today our team was 9! Yes, another one was asked to leave yesterday. We did not realise that he was asked to stay back after work. Peter saw him in the car park after work, he said he looked as though his puppy had just died. Apparantly they told him that his score from his references were too low! Too low! What on earth does that mean?

Both lads were so good... did well in all their tests, always on time, showed an aptitude for the work, were liked by everyone, and just really really nice guys.

The referencing is out sourced to another company (crafty, this firm can just say it is not down to them). that firm has requested payslips from me because they have not got references back for me as my previous employer crashed in the credit crunch. I am getting extreemly paranoid now. How can they expcect us to be enthusiastic in training if all this is going on and I have not been signed off yet!

If I am asked to go I might as well lock my front door and walk away. there is no way I can financially survive if I am asked to go.

In the 5th week of training for the new job. 2 weeks to go. 11 Of us started and today, half an hour before end of working day, one of us was escorted from the building because his references were not A1! he is such a nice guy, always arrived on time and was showing an aptitude for the job. One of his former employers, FCUK, could not be bthered to send back a reference, hence his sacking.

The rest of us are depressed and all worried that this could be any one of us.

Watch this space.

"Then let amourous kisses dwell,
on our lips begin and tell,
a thousand and a hundred score,
a hundred and a thousand more."

~Diana Gabaldon

Scuba diving!

Ah.. the beauty of the reef,

the rich abundance of underwater animals, (over one thousand species, including many that are endangered, can be found at on the reef, these include manta rays, lionfish, tortoises, clownfish and sharks).

A chance to breathe underwater.

The feeling of a ten-foot shark nudging up against you makes you very aware that you are glad to be alive.

The feeling of neutral buoyancy, incredible!.

The sound of your bubbles, relaxing.

The slow-breathing process is very soothing.

The thrill of discovery deep inside a wreck or cave.

The sheer enjoyment of experiencing the underwater world, a world so far removed from ours that it will truly amaze you.

But!

They never warned me of the danger!

I’m not talking about sharks.

Oh No! more embarrassing than that!

They never warned me.. not to fart in my wetsuit!

OMG but was the train to work busy this morning!

I had to stand on top....

this might have been in July but better late than never...

Congratulations Chloe !!!
Chloe Marshall earned second place (or first runner up) in the Miss England competition in July 2008.
Chloe Marshall platform includes showing young women that it is ok to be plus size and that plus size and beautiful are not oxymoronic. One of the main assumptions about overweight women is that they must be lazy. Chloe is far from lazy. The future beautician likes to exercise and her routine includes a healthy dose of running and horse back riding.

Three reasons to love Chloe Marshall

• 1. She's a curvy chic.
• 2. She's goal-oriented.
• 3. That smile!
Not everyone feels the same…

"A role model for ordinary women? No, Miss England finalist is fat, lazy and a poster girl for ill health"

By MONICA GRENFELL
Last updated at 08:37 04 April 2008

“Chloe Marshall has caused a storm by becoming the first size 16 beauty queen to reach the finals of the Miss England contest.
Feted and fawned over for her courage in daring to break the mould, Chloe boasts she wants to be an "ambassador for curves".
Who on earth does she think she's kidding? What she's demonstrating isn't bravery but a shocking lack of self-control.
Instead of flaunting her figure, Chloe ought to own up to the truth. She is fat and she got that way by over-eating.”

Monica, Monica, get yourself a life.

These might have been blogged before, if they have'nt they should have been.  So at the risk of repeating  a previous blog..  here there are.  These pictures are a few of Julian Beavers work.  It is not trick photography but paving drawings in chalk.. absolutely amazing.

They say the way to a man's heart is...
through his stomach. 

>

I will, because....

And finally, I leave you with...

>

So it was ‘Big Bang Day’ the other day. The Large Hadron Collider experiment or whatever they call it.
Seems some people thought that trying to recreate the minutes after the Big Bang might actually bring about the end of the world.

I actually got to thinking as I showered this morning ‘What if it is the last day?

Logged on this lunch time with 32 friends... tonight I have 31.

If this goes on anymore I will be in negative numbers. Is it personal or indifference? A reason why would be nice.